7 Steps to Being Happily Single

More and more women are going into business for themselves, and more and more women are single at later stages in life. So, there are probably a number of single business women, right? Well, we single business women have hearts, too, and they need to be taken care of.

A year ago, I probably could not have written this article with as much conviction as I have now. But I’ve learned a few things over the last year that I want to share it with other single biz chicks.

Am I really happily single?

Completely. I have not always been, and maybe I won’t always be, but I most definitely am right now. Are YOU happily single? That’s the real question on the table. I know of people who say that they are and I can tell that they are not. And I know of others who are definitely not happily single, and I can tell exactly why. I’m sure you could, too.

Here are seven steps to being happily single that I’ve discovered over the past year. Let me know what you think!

7 Steps to Being Happily Single

1. Put romantic relationships in their place, actively.

Many, many singles put romantic relationships on pedestals, and they do this two ways: by thinking such things into their reality and then by speaking them into their reality. When you think romantic relationships are better than all other types of relationships, you end up speaking that. Saying things like, “Sure, my friends are great, but they’re not as great as having a boyfriend or husband,” you’ve just done the worse thing you can do for yourself. Stop saying stuff like that. Not only is it completely untrue, but it’s very damaging to your emotional health.

The women who say that garbage before they get married are the same women who, when they are married, are WISHING they had close girlfriends or envying their happily single friends who get to spend a lot of time with their other happily single friends. Don’t be that woman.

I read recently something that said, “Romantic relationships are not better than friendships. They are different and meet different needs.” That statement is so very true.

2. Kick the vain imagination habit.

If you find yourself meeting a guy at 5 P.M., and by 11 P.M., you’ve already married him, had a couple of kids, a major fight in which he romantically apologizes and sweeps you off your feet again – all in your mind – you’ve probably got a bad vain imagination habit that needs to go away immediately.

Vain imaginations are those daydreams you have, in which the new guy (who probably doesn’t remember your name in real life) is a total Prince Charming… in your head. (He probably also lacks back hair and looks great in swim trunks… in your head).

Both women and men do this, but since I’m a woman and have friends just like me, I know that we women do this a lot. We imagine and imagine and imagine until we have the entire relationship completely orchestrated in our minds.

You can stop this by being present. When you have a thought that’s out of control, stop it by vocally telling yourself to stop it (sounds silly, but it works). Here are some other really practical ways:

• Stop encouraging your girlfriends when they do this. This will help you, too, because the more you speak something aloud, the more it becomes part of the way you naturally think (plus, it serves to confirm what you believe). Don’t say to your girlfriend, “So, is he the one?” when she just met him last week. Seriously. You shouldn’t be thinking that way, and neither should she.
• Watch something other than romantic comedies. Maybe this seems drastic, but your life will change in a big way if you can learn to be content with being single. So, stash away Sandra Bullock and Katherine Heigl for a little while until you can watch a movie without taking what happens in the movie and imagining yourself in that situation.
• Apply the principle above to books and magazines – especially Cosmopolitan and Redbook.

3. Be beautiful for YOU.

Do you know any chicas who are totally rugged for most of the year, and then all of a sudden start wearing lip gloss when they get a new boyfriend or have a new crush? Or, all of a sudden, they decide that it’s finally time to find a better shampoo or wear a fragrance?

There’s danger in thinking that your outside appearance is only for your man, and not for you. Beauty is not merely skin deep unless you make it that way. You deserve to consider yourself lovely, wear nice clothes, and be a total knockout, whether you are single or attached.

I’m not saying that you should do as suggested in The Rules and grow your hair long and straighten it out and all of that nonsense to get a man. I’m suggesting that you take care of yourself for yourself, because it truly helps when you can bear to see yourself in a mirror!

Plus, when you are taking the time to look good for you, you can no longer blame being single on your looks!

4. Get Busy (Not like that).

Someone pointed out to me the other day that perhaps I am happily single because I am busy with my three year old. And you know what? Maybe she is right. But there is a lesson to be learned there: DO SOMETHING.

If you are waiting for your life to begin when you get a lover, you will be waiting forever, honey. So join a Meetup group or take a class or commit to losing those 15 pounds for good and just get busy doing something.

Hint: Make whatever you’re doing productive and healthy and helpful for your single status. Going out clubbing on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights doesn’t count toward doing something. That’s man hunting, and it’s exactly the opposite of what I’m recommending here. Maybe your grandma, married friends, or even your mom will suggest that you do that, but they are wrong if they do.

5. Ditch online dating.

Say what?? Now I’m certain I’ve lost a few people but for the rest of you hanging on, just hear me out.

However passive it may seem, online dating is still soulmate seeking, and instead of seeking a soulmate, if you want to be happily single, I suggest just seeking your soul. You don’t need to be looking in order to find someone, and if your intent is to be happily single, you don’t need to find someone at all.

(For those of you who still feel like you need to have a special “someone” in your life to be happy, please feel free to exit this page.)

I could go into the bazillion reasons I think it’s bad to be trying to land dates online while you’re simultaneously saying that you are happily single, but I won’t. Happily single people are not actively looking for dates. They are simply actively living their lives. I’m speaking from experience here, because I have done the online dating thing while trying to convince myself I was happy alone. B.S. Take it from me and delete that profile – at least for now. You will be one step closer to living happily.

6. Stop playing the “single is better than attached” game with yourself and others.

Have you ever found yourself bashing marriage or romance, trying to convince yourself and everyone around you that you’re happy?

Newsflash: That’s unnecessary, and it really doesn’t work. You don’t have to hate relationships to be happily single.

I used to do that, and I was definitely not happy with myself during those times. Sure, a lot of relationships fail, but a lot work out and the people in them are awesome and love life. Here’s the thing: MOST of the people I know who are in long-term, balanced relationships were happy BEFORE they got together with their partners.

Focus on the good. There’s good in you, as a single. There’s good in those who are not single. It’s okay to be happy without someone and allow others to be happy with someone, too.

Practical tips:

• Don’t rain on someone’s relationship parade. Whatever negative feelings you feel about someone’s together-ness, try to keep it to yourself. None of us are perfect, though, so if you find yourself in a gossip fest with your girl about your other girl’s annoying new relationship, grant yourself a pass for the night but commit to breaking that habit.
• Don’t get into lengthy relationship debates. Here’s a suggestion: if you’re not in a relationship, don’t try to be a relationship expert! When you start quoting divorce stats and talking about how unhappy your attached friends are, you’ll only come off bitter or even jealous, as opposed to happy.
• Congratulate your friends. Be truly happy for others. Can’t you do that, as a friend? If you can’t be happy for your friends when something wonderful happens to them, then the issue is deep within you and needs to be resolved. Practice sending messages of congratulations to friends who are getting married, “liking” cute pics of a friend and her new man on Facebook, and asking genuine questions about her new love life. The more you do this, the easier it will become and you will also feel better about yourself as you strengthen bonds with friends, no matter what situation they are in.

7. Fill your needs emotionally and spiritually.

The mind, body, and spirit are not as separate as you would think. When you start saying to yourself, “This is all well and good, but, I’ve got NEEDS!” you need to bring your whole self into alignment. The spirit has a way of affecting the mind, and the mind has a significant amount of control over the body. That’s the way our systems work, and that’s probably why you won’t hear someone who is happily single saying something like that.

It’s important to get grounded emotionally and spiritually – however that works for you. If you truly are searching for a partner because you are not content, chances are that what you are searching for isn’t found in another person and you will probably be disappointed in the long run. If you feel like you’re lacking, it’s probably something within you that is lacking.

Our minds control so much. For example, our minds tell us that a hug from a handsome guy is different than a hug from a friend or our kids, and our minds tell us what we need and what we don’t need physically. The mind is the puppet master when it comes to our bodies and affection. Therefore, the “needs” battle can only be won in the mind. You have to learn to get control of your thoughts if you want to be happily single for any length of time.

Still with me? It’s a beautiful life. Do not waste a single moment of it by wishing you were married or dating, if you are not. Don’t just be content. Be ecstatic about your life and in doing so, make the most of it.

Image: photostock