A little backstory: Not too long ago, a new client was talking to me about possibly using more of my services in her business. She said at one point, “I don’t want to go with the other guy because I can’t afford him.”
It wasn’t until weeks later that I thought, “Wait, how is it that she can afford ME?” Not only is my work way better than his (just sayin’) but I also respond to her much more quickly and make house calls!
Whoa. Wake-up, Tia.
A one-time occurrence is a situation like this is permissable. And depending on your circumstances, it could even be advisable. But not for me, because for the work we were specifically discussing, I am experienced and bring a significant amount of value to the table.
And yet, I’m always the cheaper option. That’s what she was saying that day. That I was the cheaper option. Not that I was the more cost-effective, or faster, or better option. But only that I was cheaper.
Of course, the salt in the wound was that I was competing with a man. A man who clearly knew his value more than I did.
Flash forward to this weekend. I read Mika Brzezinski’s book, Knowing Your Value, and got really angry at myself. Reading Mika’s story of being undervalued and the grueling steps she had to take to start getting paid what she was worth, and then all of the other stories as well as advice from successful women at the top was a big wake-up call for me.
Women, Fear, Desperation, and Gratitude
This book has a lot to do with women’s earnings vs men’s earnings, as well as lessons in not being underpaid, and WHY men don’t have as much of an issue with it. I’m not going to go into all of that here, but it’s really important stuff. Economy plays a role, experience plays a role, and a real bias in men’s favor when it comes to money, from both women AND men, plays a role in the earnings gap… about half.
The other HALF of the earnings gap falls on us. We have to start knowing our value and then asking for it, or being willing to walk (away).
A lot more of we women today – with numbers growing daily – are working for ourselves and “making our own money.” But I found so many similarities throughout the book between being a self-employed woman and working for someone else.
Even though I don’t work for someone else, per se, clients are like bosses in one big way: they will either pay you what you want, or they won’t. And in both cases, you still have to ask for it.
What I discovered as I was reading was that I was just like Mika – grateful to have the work. Gratitude is a wonderful thing, but accepting a financial contract out of gratitude is not right. When you do something for money, it becomes a business contract, and it needs to make sense from a business perspective.
There are many accounts in the book from Mika as well as other women who found themselves earning less with the one common thread being that they felt “lucky” or “grateful.”
Allowing myself to work for less than what my work is worth is like selling real gold way, way under the fair market value. There are very few cases in which that makes any sense at all. In the book, Mika stresses the importance of not approaching money out of fear, desperation, or gratitude. The three work together against you.
Here’s how:
First, you are afraid that you won’t have enough money, so then you become desperate, such that when someone offers you something way below what you deserve, you take it, merely grateful for the opportunity!
Beyond that, there are powerful lessons in the book about getting what you ask for, or not getting it and walking away. I struggle with that as well, as I’m sure many other women do. We either ask for what we think we will get, or we ask for what we want in the wrong way (this is especially true with asking for promotions or raises). But rarely, it seems, do we ever really ask for what we’re worth.
My big money epiphany:
The problem isn’t whether men or women pay you what you deserve. The problem is that if you don’t ask for it, you can’t expect people to give it to you. And if you continue to work for less than you deserve, then you are the biggest contributor to your problem.
My 2nd big money epiphany:
If you don’t know what you’re worth, you cannot ask for it. This means you have to research, ask, and discover what other people are making. It doesn’t matter whether you are self-employed or not. You need to know. Knowing your value is the bargaining chip. Without it, you have none.
Working for someone who pays you less than you deserve is nauseating, and now that I’ve done the self-employment thing as well as working for someone else thing, I can tell you with certainty that it sucks in both cases. In fact, to me, it sucks even worse as a self-employed woman because I am the one who determines what I get paid.
I strongly encourage you, self-employed or not, to read this book cover to cover and let your own experiences come to mind, and then commit to changing your situation. It is really empowering to read a story that is quite like yours and learn how it can be turned around for the better.
Tip: Buy this book on Amazon. I bought it at Barnes & Noble off the shelf in hard cover and paid TWICE what they are charging at Amazon. Another lesson learned!
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@MARLdblE I’ll be honest. I’m not a huge fan of Mika on Morning Joe. At one point, I thought the show would be better with someone else.
That’s because I’m such a huge fan of Joe and he’s the reason I was watching it.
That said, the book was really good nonetheless. She rubs me the wrong way on the show but she’s a great writer and very motivating and informative, too.
I love Mika B. I became familiar with her from Morning Joe. At first she rubbed me the wrong way, but she grew on me. Your insights from her book have given me a whole new set of eyes towards her. I’m definitely going to be checking out this read. Thanks for sharing, Tia.
I think women have long been the lower paid and a lot of it because we have not worked as long as many men. Women have been the person to nurture children and manage the family. I have found that there is no ceiling in my business for women and love interacting with my clients.
Tia,
Just reading this I could see myself. Not charging what I am worth but what I think they will pay. Just being grateful for the work. I will be adding this book to my must read list or listen list if it is available on Audible.
@Tia Peterson 14 times less than her co-host? Was this before or after she went rouge (refused to read “not-newsworthy” items)?
@BelaVizy No offense, Bela, but you’re a man. And this is a situation specific to women. I would not advise women to put their hopes on magically being paid more just because they work hard. That’s exactly what the book is talking about. Mika is a co-host on a hugely popular political talk show, and at one point, she was making 14 times LESS than her co-host, Joe. And this was a year after the show launched (a launch which she was at from the beginning). It took getting ready to leave and her co-host going to bat for her before she was given a raise.
It’s not about working harder. That’s not a rule of thumb.
I think your situation is an exception, not a rule, and you’re also a programmer. So you’re talking about a field dominated by men and one in which the women DO make equal pay with the men because there are so few women anyway. It’s different in basically any other field.
Two more things.
Overvaluing yourself will result in the same perception of not being payed enough.
Being hired for less or being paid less are two different things. Let me explain. I came to US 15 years ago. I worked for several companies, almost all of them young start-ups. I always accepted less then my peers when I was hired if I liked the place. So for 6 months I was payed less then everywhere, after a year I made 15-20 % more than my colleagues in similar positions (regardless of gender).
Plain and simple: get in for less, show your lion claws and ask for more.
Two more things.
Overvaluing yourself will result in the same perception of not being payed enough.
Being hired for less or being paid less are two different things. Let me explain. I came to US 15 years. I worked for several companies, almost all of them young start-ups. I always accepted less then my peers when I was hired if I liked the place. So for 6 months I was payed less then everywhere, after a year I made 15-20 % more than my colleagues in similar positions (regardless of gender).
Plain and simple: get in for less, show your lion claws and ask for more.
@msrasberryinc Persons? No, women.
@Tia Peterson Yes! Strong networks are critical. Glad to be a part of the conversation.
)
@msrasberryinc That’s a tough one and I have been there too many times. A lot of what Mika talks about in the book has to do with that – the fear & gratitude cycle. I think it keeps us earning less. That’s why we need to build good networks of women recommending other women and we just need to look out for each other more and make sure that we take care of each other, you know? Love your comments. Thanks for joining the conversation!
@Tia Peterson I think that is a great strategy as well. I know for me, in the past, the issue has been less not knowing my worth and more “If I turn down this job, when will I get the next one? I have bills to pay, I better take it.” Of course that just leaves me feeling resentful when I am still working my butt off but for less pay. So, no more of that! Lesson learned.
@msrasberryinc Hi! Thank you for your comment.
I agree with what you’re saying and I also think it doesn’t have to be a struggle. I think walking away is good. The more times we do it, the easier it becomes. Plus, I would never want to work for someone who argued over how much I would be paid. I can only imagine how awkward that would be. I like what one woman said somewhere (can’t remember) – she said that she NEVER negotiates price. If someone doesn’t want to pay what she asks, then she only negotiates services (as in, she asks them, ‘what do you want to live without?’). I think that’s a great strategy.
@BelaVizy I laughed out loud at this and so did my mom. Good one, Bela.
@BelaVizy Yes, you’re right. She is his daughter.
@BelaVizy I agree with this. I think women do ask for less, and that’s a lot of what Mika is referring to. That we don’t even know what we should be asking for or really understand our value.
Basically, she is saying that we need to know our value and then ask for it.
@msrasberryinc @BelaVizy Eh, you’ll have to forgive Bela. I’m sure he meant women.
Funny that I came across this b/c my next business blog post is on a similar topic, based on a conversation that I had earlier today. It can be difficult to decide that you have to walk away but if you don’t it just becomes easier to continue to undervalue yourself. It’s an ongoing struggle. – msrasberryinc.com
@BelaVizy Girls? Wow. Would these be persons under age 18? It doesn’t surprise me that women would be paid less if they are being referred to as “girls” in the workplace.
Sorry writing in little chucks. It must be my short attention span. I’m a computer programmer (man). I hired or recommended to be hired a lot of people. Me or the companies I worked for we never offered less to women for the same position (IT related engineering or analyst). Many times we actually had the maximum number for a certain position before started interviewing. The reason girls ended up making less because they asked for less.
I just realized that she is Zbigniew Brzezinski’s daughter. Also related to Edvard Beneš in her mother’s family. Very impressive.
I just realized that she is Zbigniew Brzezinski’s daughter. Also related to Edvard Beneš in her mather’s family. Very impressive.
“Ladies, women in the workplace — oh, we still have big strides to make. You ready for this? A girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee. Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.” – Carol Leifer
@bodynsoil You do deserve it. That’s how I felt when I spent the money on this book. I had already read about 30 pages of it in the store as my son was playing. I honestly felt that the book was going to help me emotionally – because that’s really where this situation begins – in the mind. When I read the other women’s stories and advice, I knew it was a good buy.
I don’t have an e-reader but I was wishing I did when I saw how cheap the Kindle version of this book is!
@Mywritingworld Hey Fran – I would really like to read a book of yours on this subject. It’s so tough. But I try not to blame society and just put the responsibility on me. After all, I can see a pattern within my self and I’d rather just own it instead of pretend it’s someone else’s doing.
Two great men in my life as mentors have told me time and time again not to undervalue myself. I wish that more women would step up and do the same thing.
Thank you for posting this Tia, I recently was hired to do a job myself and was asked my fee. For some reason I always feel meek when the talk turns to money and feel that asking too much is just being greedy and unforgiving. I know that isn’t the case but perhaps because I tend to be a giver of myself that I have a hard time negotiating for my true worth.
I need to go out and read this book ASAP, in fact, I might even use my earnings from this latest job to get an electronic reader, t I have wanted for so long but didn’t want to spend money, I think I deserve it.
@annedreshfield Right on, Anne. I hope you like it!
@cyclingsusan Wow, that’s a great question, Susan. I wonder what it is like in matriarchal societies. Mika only addresses what it’s like here.
I bet that the teaching scenario is a result of undervaluing primary and secondary education in addition to any issues in gender earnings gap. Soon, hopefully, the same changes made in nursing will be made in teaching. Nursing salaries have come up a lot over the years – possibly due to the rising number of male nurses. Who knows? Men just don’t work for less than what they want.
Amaing article, makes me think a lot. But it is a real article that brings attention to a very sensitive topic.
There has to be a solution for all this. I have some thoughts on this, and if I start writing it can become a book. But I loved your article, This has to be a good book. And then you paid double the price.
All the best
Fran A
I agree with these points. It might be a female thing. Women often undervalue what they do. Guys don’t seem to have this problem as much. Is this true in matriarchal societies also? I’d be interested in finding out. I know from my Japanese exchange students that teachers in Japan have very high status, but in the USA they don’t. Is this because teaching is mostly a female profession? This book raises many more questions for me.
Great post, Tia! It’s amazing how we let ourselves be short-changed what we actually deserve. Definitely putting that book on the must-read list!
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