Recently I had the honor of being unanimously selected to edit my moms of multiples club newsletter. How flattering! But unfortunately my initial gut response was no.
I don’t have time for that.
Then I chewed on it. I’ve been working on converting my resume from a mish mash, no focus mess to a concentration on writing and editing. Since volunteer work always looks good, I said yes. Everyone cheered. Silently.
But weeks flew by, and not a word was entered into that newsletter. It involved a publishing program with which I wasn’t familiar, as well as {gasp!} working on a PC. I just didn’t have the extra time to devote to it. Or at least I didn’t want to make the time. Maybe a little of both.
Deep down inside I knew that I had said yes for the wrong reasons.
We become overwhelmed when we take on too much, no matter how badly we want to do the task. Or even no matter how badly we don’t want to do it. So why do we commit to things that we know we shouldn’t?
There are many reasons why we have a hard time saying NO to a potential commitment, task, or request. Read through these common reasons and ask yourself if you’ve encountered one or more of these situations.
- You don’t want to disappoint anyone. You don’t want to hurt your friend’s feelings. You don’t want to let your boss down. Many of us want to be agreeable in relationships with others that we interact with, be it friends or coworkers. The problem is, if we take on too much, we will ultimately let those people down in the long run. When I wasn’t able to complete the first month’s newsletter for my moms group, another mom had to step in and finish it quickly, and I felt I had dropped the ball.
- You don’t want to disappoint yourself. When I was 14 and trying out for the basketball team, I desperately wanted to quit. Basketball was not my sport, but we all had to try out. I didn’t know the sport, and didn’t really care to learn it. When I admitted to my dad that I wanted to quit, he said, “Well, if you really want to. I just never knew you to be a quitter.” Ouch. I stuck with the tryouts, didn’t make the team, and have had a hard time quitting anything ever since. I now worry equally about not only letting someone else down, but letting myself down by not giving it a chance. Maybe if I tried harder, I would really like it. Maybe not.
- We think we can do it all. We’re modern women right? Or maybe we just aren’t taking stock of everything we’ve taken on. I recently became a consultant for a new daily deal site that launched in my area, thinking I could do most of the work from home, and earn a little extra cash. I seemed to temporarily forget that I was also a mom raising 3 small children and trying to keep a somewhat clean home, a writer trying to maintain a blog and regular contributions to other sites, and now a newsletter and blog editor for a moms group. Who needs sleep anyway?
- Fear of conflict. What if someone is angry that you say no? What if it causes tension with your boss or coworkers? What if they don’t understand why it is that you are saying no?
- Lost or missed opportunities. I once worked as one part of a trio of managers, and I was number three. My immediate supervisor left for a new position elsewhere, and I was a shoo in for her job. Problem was, I didn’t want it. But in the end, I applied, because not only would it be more pay and another notch on my resume, I knew that I would regret not going for it, especially if I knew I was the better candidate. And I would likely resent the new person and constantly compare their abilities and decisions to mine. I applied. I got the job. I hated every minute of it. On the flipside, you may be afraid of missing out on something really fun and exciting, that may open up new opportunities.
- Self doubt. After my first month as newsletter editor in which I failed to complete the project, I considered telling the board of directors that I couldn’t find the time. But when I rattled off my current commitments in my head, I became doubtful of my packed schedule. I feared that others wouldn’t see my blog and other writing as the priority that I do. Other members work full time jobs, take care of their children, maintain their households, and still find time to volunteer. Am I really that busy? Or maybe I just need to reassess my priorities and improve my time management?
Do any of these sound familiar to you? A lot of our reasons of having a hard time saying NO are in our heads. Of course we don’t want to disappoint our friends or coworkers, alienate ourselves from others, or miss out on what could be a positive experience. But we must choose our commitments carefully in order to make sure that we don’t overwhelm ourselves. We must keep in mind how much we can handle, given our unique home lives, spouse and child situations, and workloads.
And in case you’re wondering, I gave the newsletter another chance the next month and completed the project. And you know what? I loved it.
Do you have a hard time saying NO? Why do you think that is?
I say ‘no’ a lot because I know where my limits are, and I’m very often stretched to them. It took awhile to sort out my priorities, to figure out what I wanted to say ‘yes’ to, and it’s still something of a work in progress, but the more brain cycles I spend sorting things out, the easier it is to do so.
These all sound familiar to me Leigh. They always say, if you need something done, ask a busy woman.
The older I get, the easier I find it to say no. It’s like tough love. 
I learned to say no after having to sort out many situations similar to yours. A running list of tasks is one of the easiest ways to help yourself believe it’s ok to say no.
That’s an excellent idea. I need to return to my old working days organization!
Saying no is a very hard thing for me as well. I recently had to cut back on many things in my life, I don’t know what felt worse: the act of saying no, the follow up guilt after the fact or the dread of having to complete a task I wasn’t interesting in doing. All your listed items for why we can’t say no are right on the money for me at least. Saying no is something I need to work on in the future, I find your listed items very helping and encouraging.
Yes, the guilt, the dread, and not wanting to do the task at hand are all hard to deal with.
Leigh Ann,
Just recently I learned to say NO. No more volunteering, no more working for what doesn’t benefit me or my family directly, at least for a while. I’m burned out! I didn’t want to disappoint anyone if I said no. But I feel like I disappointed my kids more when I am working for PTA and say no to them instead because I don’t have time for them. That didn’t make sense. I thought by helping out at their organizations I would be helping my kids but that was not how it worked.
So in the last 6 months I quit being a scout leader and other random free “jobs” I was doing to spend more time for my kids, my friends and ME. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy helping but it is when I can actually spare the time to do it.
Saying no is very hard at first but you will enjoy life more when you are not stretched to your limits.
~Allie
Good point, Allie. My kids aren’t even in school yet, so I can’t even imagine the overwhelming opportunities that will come my way. I’m so glad you found some balance!
Yes, I have a hard time saying no but I am learning the hard lesson that comes with it. Now, I have to say that sometimes I have said yes to things that have ultimately helped me, and my initial gut response was no. I’m glad I said yes to those things.
But many times, I say yes without even really thinking. It would help me if I kept a really good planner and always referenced it before I committed to things. I definitely don’t have time for most requests.
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